Avoiding Sex During Dates


Dating couples need a game plan: a set of ideas, attitudes and actions that will help them glorify God and safeguard their relationship from premarital sex.

How to date and stay pure…

When I typed out these words as an idea for an article on abstinence, I realized this was a difficult topic to get people talking about. When I asked my peers to share their stories, few were virgins with no sexual history, and even fewer wanted to talk about it. I wasn’t surprised. Recounting my own sin made me feel like the chief of hypocrites. Yet, at the same time, I knew couples who did it right. They met, fell in love, dated and waited until they were married to have sex. There seemed to be a special connection between them that made me wonder, How did they do it?

It started me on a quest to discover what I call “practical abstinence.” All of the “true love waits” messages mean nothing if they can’t be put into practice. And that seems to be where many Christians fall short. You’ve been told why you shouldn’t have sex before marriage, but did anyone actually tell you how?

You can’t jump into dating and expect that sexual temptation won’t be an issue. You need a game plan: a set of ideas, attitudes and actions that will help you glorify God and safeguard your relationship from premarital sex.

Manage Your Own Sexual Desire

God created us as sexual beings. Genesis tells us that He made humans both male and female in His own image. He blessed them, and one of the first commands He gave them was to “be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:27-28). So, sexual desire is a big deal to us, because it was first a big deal to God. It is a gift, but it needs to be managed, which is exactly where we’re having trouble today. We’re a generation that’s almost marked by a lack of self-discipline. We spend too much, we eat too much and it seems as though our sexual appetites have no limits, especially with those cheap porn dvds you can now buy even online.

We must learn how to say “no” to our sexual desires even if it’s unpopular and difficult. For advice on this, I checked in with Dr. Jessica McCleese of the Krist Samaritan Center in Houston, Texas. She has studied Christian sex therapy for the last four years. Dr. McCleese noted that much of our issue with managing desire is that we’ve made our desires too important.

“The world teaches us that our sexual nature is the most powerful piece of us. In reality, our sexuality is only a small piece of who we are. When our sexual selves are the focus, we lose who we are as whole people. If we can learn to see ourselves body, soul and spirit, it becomes easier to save your whole self for marriage,” she says.

She adds that managing desires isn’t just for the single/dating years. “Sexual desire is going to remain throughout your life,” Dr. McCleese says. “Singles often believe that the sexual desire switch turns off in marriage, and they are attracted only to their spouse. Truth is, even in marriage, you have to rein in your sexual desire and allow it to be fulfilled with your spouse in a loving consensual encounter. Part of dating and learning to bring your sexual desire under submission is simply training ground for marriage.”

Have an Accountability Partner

Managing sexual desires begins with realizing that we can’t do it on our own. Every couple needs someone who will speak into their relationship. “A mature couple can serve both the role of accountability partners and mentors who help the couple develop the skills necessary for building a great marriage,” says Jeffrey Murphy, marriage mentor and co-author of The Solution for Marriages. “All temptation finds its power when hidden from others. Accountability partners can rob temptation of its power.”

When I asked my friends about their relationships, it quickly became clear that the couples I knew who saved sex for marriage had one thing in common: They had accountability partners or mentors. Case in point: Jason and Danielle Peaks. Both in their 20s, they dated for a year before getting married, and they found that talking about their relationship with people they trusted made all the difference.

“We both had accountability partners,” Jason said. “I have a number of men who I meet with. We had my parents check in on us many times. We also had a few couples that we spent time with who would prod into our situation.”

Jason is a worship leader and minister at Regent University in Virginia Beach, Va. So he knew eyes were on him, which he believes helped him stay accountable. “It was good to have people on an individual level and on a more public level to engage with about our relationship,” he says.

Set Boundaries

As the leader in a dating relationship, a man has an important responsibility when it comes to making and keeping a game plan with his girlfriend. The primary way of doing this is by initiating conversations about physical boundaries and casting a vision for a relationship that honors Christ.

Viticus Thomas, one half of the married couple behind Dating and Waiting, a ministry that promotes abstinence, advises young men to not make sex a focal point, but to instead point the relationship in a better direction.

One way a man can do this is by paying attention to the kinds of dates he plans. “It is best that you and your date do a lot of outside activities so you can remain focused on each other and not sex,” he says. “Date smart. Don’t add more temptation by always being alone.”

Jason Peaks agrees that a relationship out in the open helped him and Danielle stay pure. “We tried to not be in a house together alone,” he says. “Stay in public as much of the date as possible. No laying or lounging on couches or beds.”

When temptation arose, Jason says he showed leadership by taking 2 Timothy 2:22 literally. “On a few occasions, we were together and I felt temptation, I would run out of the room, and once, I ran out of the apartment,” he says.

Obviously, much of abstinence is about each person having self-control. Passion can build inside of you much like stress or tension can, and it’s important to control that passion before it controls you. For some that means avoiding sexually charged movies, books, television and anything else that puts you in the mood. Some couples are mindful of the words they say to each other or how they sit with each other (i.e., lying down or snuggling). Set your boundaries, discuss them with one another and stick to them no matter what.

Repent (As Often As Necessary)

So where does this leave all of those who have already messed up? For couples who have slept together or have other regrets, it’s important to know that you can always put your relationship on the right path. Proverbs 24:16 reads, “For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again…” (NIV). The first step in getting back up after a fall is repenting.

Repentance is not just saying you’re sorry and asking for forgiveness. It is a turning away from sin. It involves action. It means changing the way you behave, from re-evaluating how much alone time you spend together to choosing to end date nights earlier. Healthy couples sometimes have to set and reset their boundaries. This is also another area in which other people can help. Sit down as a couple with your pastor, mentors or accountability partners, and talk about what’s going on.

I found in my life that sexual sin was a heart issue, and I needed to spend less time dating and more time with God. Mentors can help you as a couple decide whether or not you should break up, but no matter the outcome, you as an individual need to seek after God to renew your own spirit.

Live by the Spirit Together

Galatians 5:16 reads, “So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.” Likewise, Paul wrote to the Romans, “Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires” (Romans 8:5).

Live by the Spirit not only as an individual, but also as a couple. Read Scripture and seek God’s guidance together. Attend the same church, if you can, so you’re sitting under the same teaching. Get a Philippians 4:8 mindset that keeps you both focused on what is honest, pure, lovely and virtuous. Jeffrey Murphy says, “When a person develops their spiritual life in Christ, through Bible study, prayer, worship and fasting, they have the strength necessary for defeating the enemy of our souls.”

A life lived inwardly from the Holy Spirit is our strongest defense. When pleasing Christ rather than our flesh becomes a priority, abstinence is a restraint based not on rules, but on genuine love and respect for yourself, your God and your future mate. After all, boundaries can be pushed; ideas can be challenged, and rules can be broken in the heat of the moment. What you want is honor written on your heart so that your will becomes His will for now and for the future.

So, Is It Worth It?

Tamara (not her real name) is married to a good man and has a lovely family. When I look at her photos, she looks happy, but she confessed that she wasn’t always so. “Neither of us had waited, and the fact that we were long distance and travelled to see each other didn’t help our case,” she says.

Tamara always felt guilty about having sex before marriage, but eventually developed a resistance to the guilt. However, sleeping with her then fiancé changed her honeymoon and the year that followed.

“I recall our wedding night being not that big of deal. There was nothing new except a wedding band and a name change. It was a letdown,” she says. “We missed out on that first time excitement without fear or guilt. I don’t know what that’s like.” It took years for Tamara to forgive herself and move forward in her marriage despite the past.

Then there are those who waited, and for them, the joy of saving sex for God’s timing not only helped their marriage, but also helped their overall lives.

“I think that our willingness to stay pure was absolutely worth it,” Jason Peaks says. “To know that we honored the Lord in our decision to abstain gave us a pattern of purity that has impacted all areas of our lives, especially spiritually.

“To live a life that is guilt-free and shameless is a wonderful spiritual heritage we are sowing into, and it makes the marriage bed all the more enjoyable. Knowing that you love another person enough to wait for them is an indicator that real love is patience.”

Top Dating Tips for Christians



You are dating an incredibly good-looking guy. You both feel the attraction building up. What do you do? Now is not the time to decide! It’s too difficult to think when passion overtakes you. You must decide before you go on the date what your limits will be.

1) Do not be unequally yoked.

Take 2 Cor. 6:14 seriously.

Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? (NLT)

If you are dating someone who doesn’t have a personal relationship with Christ, you are playing with fire. If you fall in love, what will you do? Don’t let the relationship progress to a physical point and then hope you can cut it off later.

2) Put on the armor of God daily.

You need all the help you can get in today’s world. Are you spending time with God? Do you depend on Him to meet your needs of love and security? You can resist temptation if you put on the whole armor of God (Eph. 6:10-20).

3) Put obedience over passion.

Not everything we do that’s right, feels good. In fact, usually the opposite is true. It feels incredibly good to give in to passion. But, the authority of Christ needs to take precedence over your physical drives. Society tells you to give in to the moment. Christ tells you to be obedient to His word.

4) Physical expression must be appropriate.

Physical touch/intimacy should correspond with commitment. This doesn’t mean anything goes if you are engaged. Physical touch should be in the context of a meaningful relationship, not reduced to satisfaction of personal need.

5) Limits must be set mutually.

Both partners should take responsibility for setting limits. Mutual boundary keeping reflects maturity.

6) Examine your personal motives.

What is your motivation — power and control, gratifying your own ego, meeting a selfish need, or genuine affection?

7) Is there too much physical and too little other?

If the social, emotional, spiritual dimensions are missing or lacking, you are out of balance. If you can’t stand the person but have a great physical relationship, rethink the relationship.

8) Less is better.

If one person is uncomfortable with any type of physical expression, don’t do it. You should respect and honor each other. Don’t push a date to do anything that makes him/her feel uncomfortable.

9) Be guided by love versus lust.

Love is the fruit of the Spirit. From love comes self-control. Operate in love, not lust.

10) Allow the Holy Spirit to direct and lead you.

If you feel convicted of certain behaviors, stop doing them.

Special Note: If you are a teen, you must honor your parents and respect their counsel (Ephesians 6:2-3). You are subject to parental authority. Don’t be sexually active just because you can get away with it.

Site FAQs

FAQs cubes

Christian Friend Match FAQ

What is Christian Friend Match?

Christian Friend Match is a place to find Christian friends and penpals.

Is Christian Friend Match free?

Yes. There are no charges for anything on Christian Friend Match.

How do I use Christian Friend Match?

  1. Sign up. We recommend using a anonymous email such as yahoo or hotmail.
  2. You will receive a email from us. You need to click on the link in this email. This proves that the email belongs to you.
  3. Now you can sign on to the site and create a profile and send messages to other members.
  4. You can add up to five pictures to your profile.
  5. When you get message from other members we will email it to you. Be sure to tell your anti spam to accept emails from this site! We will never send you spam.

I got a message from someone, how can I reply?

Just hit “reply” from your email. The reply will go to the person.

I can’t create a profile on your site. Why?

In order to create a profile, you need to:

  1. Register (if you are new)
  2. Sign On(if you have already registered)

If I post my profile on your site, will people see my email address?

No, your email address will remain hidden. Your address can only be seen if you include it in your message (not recommended).

Will you sell my email address to third parties or send me unwanted emails?

No, we will keep your email private and will not send you any unwanted emails. In general, you will be contacted by us:

  1. If you contact us.
  2. When someone replies to your posting.
  3. To send you registration information.

For more information check our privacy policy.

Why has no one replied to me?

This is a very popular service and most people should get replies to their postings. If you haven’t received a single reply, look out for:

Picture profiles are most popular and displayed first in searches. Consider adding a picture to your profile.

Some mail systems have very strong anti-spam measures, which might believe the replies are spam. This is often true in the case of school email systems. You could try applying for a hotmail or yahoo account.

Also, make sure to tell your spam filters that emails from us are not spam!

I have forgotten my password. How can I get a new one?

  1. Go to the recover password page.
  2. Enter your email and submit.
  3. Your password will be mailed to you.

Make sure it is the same email you signed up with! If all else fails you can always sign up again using a different email address.

I have received an unsuitable message, what should I do?

Do not reply to the person – just ignore them.

Remember that they have not seen your email address. If you continue to receive unsuitable email, we would advise you to login and remove your profile, and this will immediately stop any emails being sent to you.

If you have replied to the person and they know your email address you should add them to your blocked addresses or spam filter. Or just simply ignore them.

Remember that under no circumstances should you disclose personal information about yourself to anyone you meet through this service. Read our terms of service before using this site.

How many profiles can I post?

Currently, we only allow one profile per registration. If you want to post multiple profiles you need to sign up with different emails each time.

How can I change my profile?

If you wish to change your profile the following options are available:

  1. Edit your profile. You can edit your existing profile at any time.
  2. Delete your profile and start again.

How do I add pictures?

Just sign on and then click “add pictures”.

Pictures can be added and changed at any time.

You need to create a profile before adding pictures.

How do I delete my account?

You can delete your account using the delete account page of this website.

Do not email us requesting your account to be deleted. We do not delete accounts in this way.

Once you have deleted your account you can not sign up with the same email address again. If you would like to sign up in the future you need to use a new email account.

I am having trouble registering, what should I do?

The steps to register are:

  1. Fill out the registration form.
  2. Check your email. We will send you a confirmation email.
  3. Take the link in the email to activate your account.
  4. We will send you a welcome email. Now you can logon, create a profile and send messages to members.

If you do not receive the confirmation email:

  1. Check your spam filter. You need to tell your spam filter to accept email from this site. Your confirmation email may have ended up in a bulk email folder.
  2. You can resend the email.
  3. You may have mistyped your email address. Try filling out the registration form again.
  4. Tried everything but nothing works? You may need to sign up using a different email. We recommend signing up for a free yahoo account and telling the spam filter to accept emails from this site.

If you received the confirmation email but the link does not work:
Use our manual confirmation page and cut and paste the email and confirmation Id that we sent you.

Basic Site Guidelines


Christian Friend Match gives you a way to find and interact with other people who may share your interests and goals. Just like a real community, different people may have different opinions and personalities in Christian Friend Match. To make the most of your Christian Friend Match experience, please read these Guidelines carefully and act accordingly.

In the interest of making Christian Friend Match a fun way to connect with other people, we ask that everyone follow a few key rules, including:

  • Christian Friend Match provides a forum to interact with people in cyberspace. Under no circumstances should you physically meet anyone through this service.
  • You must be 18 years old or older to use Christian Friend Match. Do not post profiles that seek out or advertise users who are younger than 18.
  • Use an anonymous e-mail address instead of an e-mail address associated with your company or school in order to prevent abuse.
  • Do not post a profile on behalf of another person. You may only post a profile for yourself.
  • Do not post your (or anyone else’s) full name, email address, street address or phone number. Do not request this same information from other people in your profile.
  • Do not post URLs, websites, Christian Friend Match Profiles, Christian Friend Match IDs, or instant messenger IDs/numbers. Do not alter the appearance of your profile by using HTML tags.
  • Do not post adult-oriented content (e.g., nudity, overtly sexual language or images, etc.).
  • Do not post obscene, offensive, illegal or otherwise objectionable material.
  • Do not harass, threaten or use abusive or vulgar language.
  • Do not post detailed descriptions of physical characteristics (e.g., measurements, sizes, etc.) or the types of sexual activities that interest you. Such information is better conveyed in communications with individuals who reply to you.
  • Do not post a profile if you are not looking to connect with another person for a personal relationship or if your profile does not provide a general description of the type of person that interests you. If this is not your goal, Christian Friend Match may offer another service better suited to your needs.
  • Do not post a profile that includes discussions of illegal activities.
  • Do not write your profile title and description in a foreign language, characters or symbols. Christian Friend Match is only able to support English language profiles at this time.
  • Do not post more than one personal profile at a time.
  • Do not post a profile or gather profile information using automated tools, unless specifically authorized (e.g., robots, crawling software).
  • Do not use this service for commercial purposes (i.e. spam, information gathering, etc.).
  • Do not post copyrighted content without permission from the owner.
  • Do not post a primary photo if:
    • you are not in it
    • your face is not clear
    • it contains an image of you as a child
    • it contains more than two recognizable people
    • it is something other than a JPG file
    • it includes contact info
    • it is not rightside-up
    • it is a “collage” of images
    • it is a duplicate of another photo
    • it is larger than 5MB in size
  • Do not post an additional photo if:
    • it contains an image of you as a child
    • it is something other than a JPG file
    • it includes contact info
    • it is not rightside-up
    • it is a “collage” of images
    • it is a duplicate of another photo
    • it is larger than 5MB in size
  • Video greetings must include:
    • a recording by the profile poster only
    • a clear view of your head and shoulder area
    • greeting must be spoken in English
  • Video greetings may not include:
    • a recording by anyone other than yourself
    • nudity
    • personal contact information, including your Christian Friend Match ID or alias ID
    • obscene or offensive language
    • any language other than English
    • solicitations for commercial business of any kind
  • Voice greetings must include:
    • a recording by the profile poster only
    • greeting must be spoken in English
  • Voice greetings may not include:
    • a recording by anyone other than yourself
    • personal contact information, including your Christian Friend Match ID or alias ID
    • obscene or offensive language
    • any language other than English
    • solicitations for commercial business of any kind

Please keep in mind that Christian Friend Match reserves the right to review, reject and remove any content that Christian Friend Match determines, in its sole discretion, to be in violation of these Guidelines, the Christian Friend Match Terms of Service. Also, because the Christian Friend Match service is designed to help facilitate relationships between individuals in cyberspace and not the real world, Christian Friend Match reserves the right to terminate your account or use of this service if we become aware of information indicating a safety concern for you, other Christian Friend Match users, or the general public.

Please report any violations of the Guidelines or TOS to our Customer Care.